My Defiance My Voice

Undone

2011-11-16T04:12:00.001-08:00

I don't know what it is
This feeling
This constant pain
Unending
No reasoning does it give
Just hurts
All the way through
And yet somehow I feel numb

What it is I am unaware
Or am I in denial?
Of something so blatent
I can't seem to put my finger on it
This feeling
It eats away
Leaves me bare
A cold hollowness

Saline washes down my face
These are not tears
It's just the pain talking
It has always been like this
But never so agonising
It's like I've lost something
But what I know not
Or someone may be

I haven't the strength to find
I heave my sighs like they are my last
I think of what it's like
To end it all
This misery
My company
What have I to lose
When all I had is lost

I'm sinking either way
What if I followed too
Like Plath, Virginia or Hemmingway
But I am too young to be senile
I will not be missed
No one will know
No one will realise
No one will want to

But I'm too tired
To do what I must
To get it over and done with
I'm scared I'll fail
Now there's something I'm familiar with
What will happen of me
I'm losing my mind
I'm at my wit's end

I tried to reach out
But in vain
I screamed
But not one soul could hear
Not one chose to listen
I pulled at the last straw
Till it slowly gave way
Now I'm hanging on for "dear" life (slow and painful is the way to go so you can remember it all)

So here I am
With but only one wish
That the pain should end
Here I wait
For a miracle
For something
Anything to get me out (and set me free)
Till then I will wait
Painfully tormented
But in hope.

Epic Hahas

2011-11-15T07:42:00.001-08:00

Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This

2011-11-15T06:57:00.001-08:00

To be or not to be isn't a question. It's a choice. We all have choices. There is never a time where you do not have a choice (except your family, when you were born and where..that was a choice your parents made for you, but a choice nevertheless). Sometimes we choose to ignore these choices either because they're too hard or painful or it's too simple or easy to even be considered.
I had a choice. I have choices everyday and yet I am the way I am. This isn't because I chose wrong. It's because I don't have the heart to choose what I must and choose for my good. Which is the problem with most troubled souls. We spend our lives giving in so much to others that it gets hard to make a choice just for one's own self. The guilt that comes with that choice often makes us regret it either way and revert back to the way things were. Yet even that is a choice.
One single choice later leads to a series of decisions already made because of that choice and most often than not it is irreversible and we must face the music like it or not ( and Im not talking about Lady Gaga here). I've made choices in my life some of which I'm not entirely proud of. I'm writing this to remind you and myself to choose wisely. To choose well.
Good night ( Another choice.. to bid a pleasant farewell).

Hello World

2011-10-09T21:20:00.000-07:00

I haven't poste anything in ages. Writing became painful for a while. Too many emotions all mixed up. Too much pain to pen down but my hand failed me and sometimes so did my mind. Final exams are on again and so the writing begins..again. As always exam time is a time for me to reflect on things because as it happens to be, I would do almost anything else except study. I do miss writing quite. I see pennings of other people, friends, acquaintances and I do not connect. It all seems so articifial. There is no emotion behind the writing. The reader is forgotten about even if the reader is one's own self. People just tend to go off on a tangent, self indulgent people infatuated with their own words :) (as someone calls it).
Is it really true that anyone can write? Am i anyone? I don't want to be. I want to be gifted. I want to write sense, things that will comfort the soul, things that will give me as escape. How I had missed that warm feeling that one is overcome with when filled with the inspiration to write.
Today, however it wasn't the inspiration that made me write, it was the disgust after reading tons of nonsense written by people who know not of any true feeling that made me mad. So here I write even with that anger, with sadness of a sort against all those people who write to seem intelligent but in fact are not.
Well thats about it for my thought. Till I write again..

Self Inflicted Happiness

2011-05-11T21:23:00.000-07:00

I Just like saying the phrase..its self inflicted happiness :)

I LOVE YOU ♥ I DO

These are words you can say to your friend, your mother, to your boyfriend/girlfriend, your wife/ husband, your little dog or even at your favourite flavour of ice cream!!..Sometimes you want to but you dont. Regardless of the recipient or even if these words are just said to yourself, it makes you feel warm and happy inside. It doesn't take much effort or time to say, but it does take heart.

Madness

2011-05-06T07:40:00.000-07:00

This post has sort of been written on suggestion of the so concerned and for the sake of humour I obliged :) Partly also written because I'd like to appreciate the individual for who he is and the wonderful friend he's been to me.

His name on my phone shows "Madness" with a picture of the loony tunes :) We met about 4 or 5 years ago. I'm not really sure..I forget. But I know him long enough to know almost everything about him to the point where I know exactly what he's thinking. I've called him crazy, retarded, SPASTIC, GAY and most commonly a pervy..ahem ahem.. :) Despite all the crappy drama and his gross statements about everything I say or do, he's been one of the most genuine people I know.

This little scrawny weird creature I call a friend. If being weird and crazy meant pink unicorns who drank champagne, then this guy's the most drunken bloody pink unicorn you'll ever see. :) He likes metal but doesn't look like the type. :)

Not really anyone I can cry in front of but he always makes me laugh. He wont talk about anything serious( believe me Ive tried..he just keeps changing the topic back to something random and gross) . He's as crazy as I am but in a whole different way that can get you so mad and make you giggle all at the same time. He can drive me up the wall with the most horrid remarks..but makes up for it by making me laugh till my stomach hurts. If I've had a horrible day and have cried I know I can call him, not cause he'll console me but because he doesn't say anything because he knows it will be ok.
I know it's pure friendship.. The kind where I'm annoyed and angry with him and tell him I HATE him..and he smiles and says "but I love you".

He's a great friend. There will never be another like him. Friends forever, we'll probably even beat the apocalypse :)

Sigh.. A good cover after ages..

2011-05-05T23:25:00.000-07:00

- Thanks Akshay Pereira ♥

A Dog's Retort - Lu Hsun

2011-05-01T21:46:00.000-07:00

"I dreamed I was walking in a narrow lane, my clothes in rags like a beggar.

A dog started barking behind me.

I looked back contemptuously and shouted at him : "Bah! Shut up! Lick-spittle cur!"

He sniggered.

"Oh no!" he said. "I'm not up to man in that respect."

"What!" Quite outraged, I felt that this was the supreme insult.

"I'm ashamed to say I still don't know how to distinguish between copper and silver, between silk and cloth, between officials and common citizens, between masters and their slaves, between..."

I turned and fled.

"Wait a bit! Let us talk some more..." From behind he urged me loudly to stay.

But I ran straight on as fast as I could, until I had run right out of my dream and was back in my own bed."

-Lu Hsun. April 23, 1925

This was one of the most inspiring pieces I have ever read. So old is the piece and writer and still so prevalent for modern times. The piece inspires not only creativity, humour and the power of imagination, but also empathy, insight and most of all tolerance!

BUSTED!!!

2011-04-28T00:17:00.000-07:00

Examinations! Why do we have them? Rarely are exams welcomed for what they are actually worth.

The initial purpose of so called examinations was probably to assess the knowledge of a person and to know exactly how much of a certain subject or topic, the individual is aware of.

Competetive exams are all well and good if that initial purpose doesn't get lost. However, seemingly, examinations are set so as to put individuals down as miserably as possible. It diminishes morality or whatever is left of it rather than encourage.

Examinations in India today seem not only bent on assessing how much we DO NOT know rather than what we DO know, but it turns people against one another in fierce unhealthy competition that leads to detrimental and not to mention purely evil statergies to ensure your "friends" or "colleagues" fail miserably while you come out with flying colours.

There is no margin left today for free thinking or any sort of thinking. Interpretation and reasoning has gone out the window. The only kids who seem to ace their papers now are the ones who learn by heart every word from their texts to the "T". They do not think, they do not question, they do not WANT to know how or why and eventually they do not LEARN. Isn't that what education comes down to? LEARNING?...If only the system changed. Wishful thinking it will remain atleast for as long as I am a student.

Ignorance

2011-04-27T07:16:00.000-07:00

Dont pretend to know me

Because you dont.

Dont pretend to care

Because Im sure you wont.

Dont lie to my face

Because I can see right through you

But most of all dont pretend to love me

Im well aware of your clever ruse.

Dear Dad

2011-04-27T06:31:00.000-07:00

Vivid are my memories of you.

The way you looked

The way you smelled

You were my hero.

My little tiny hands you put in yours

Held it tightly in you veined palms

Wrinkled and toughened over the years

But strong all the same.

I'd listen intently

My knees folded against my chest

To your stories so elaborately told

Amazed, amused, in awe of you.

You were my tower of all strength

Your voice that lulled me to sleep

Your name, my first spoken word

How that tower came crashing down!

Why'd you abandon me and leave?

Was I that horrid to live with?

Did you ever love me or was it all untrue?

Or was it because I wasn't the son you wanted?

I never asked for anything, no crayons, no dolls.
All I wanted was to be your little girl.
All I wanted was your love
But you thought only of yourselves.

Now I'm not a little girl anymore.
Now Im starting to forget..
Your face, your smile..it's becoming evanescent.
I struggle to remember now.

But still I'll wait for you.
To see you one more time.
To refresh those waning memories.
To see my tower rise again from the ashes.

Thoughts on a Dying World

2011-04-24T07:40:00.000-07:00

All these voices all around.

But I hear the silence in my head.

Shedding my skin like a snake.

I was ignorant, now I know!

My heart once full, now forlorn.

Lead now flows through my veins.

The filth of this world, stained.

Hear hear! but who will listen?

We all live in solitude together.

Pain and agony in this world manifests

I'm tired, I lay my head to rest.

Where there was love, there is now animosity.

Where there was joy, there is agony.

Where there was hope, there is misery.

Where my heart was in conflict, there is now tranquility.

^^^^****^^^^

Damnation Take Me

2011-04-13T21:28:00.000-07:00

To him I cry

Who holds my soul in his grasp

To him I plead

Not to crush and pulverise it

For that is all I have left of me

All thats left that gives me life.

I watch as I see him stare at it

His lips curled into a sinister smile

I dare not fathom what his thoughts might be

I know him only too well, so horrifying is he, so vile.

To him I smile

Hoping he has a heart of his own

To him I beg

For my freedom, for release, for tranquility.

He looks down at me with that face so bitter

Looks into my eyes and sees me for all I am

I reach out slowly grasping in pain

He really is nothing like any other man

To him I sing

In a final attempt to win him over

To him I say

"We both know it isn't of much worth to you"

He looks down at me again, serene this time

I look up and see, the tears welling up in his eyes

My soul is now his, its become him, Im sinking

Where my heart had once been, now the last flame dies.

My Little Girl(old)

2011-04-07T21:06:00.000-07:00

Little girl,I'm right beside you,Im right here

From behind the shadows I listened to your prayers

From now until forever more

I'll hold your hand,of that Im sure

Listen to that voice deep down in your heart

If you listen real hard,it never will part

Look within yourself for the truth that lies

I'll be with you always,even across a thousand miles

Little girl dont worry,I'm always here

No matter how far you are,Im near

Dont listen to anything they say

I promise I'll show you brighter days

They beat you,they hurt you,they tore you apart

They left you aching,alone in the dark

Helpless,abandoned,numb,and in need

From those seeds,hate began to breed

Little girl I'm here dont cry

Wipe your tears it'll be alright

Open your heart and lose all fear

Hold on tight,the end of the road is here

Im here,your guardian angel,I'll keep you warm

I'll stand by your side,be your shelter from the storm

Now you've found solace,you're safe,you walked through that whilte light

No more sorrow,no more pain,good night my little girl,sleep tight.

Liner Notes??

2011-04-05T22:28:00.000-07:00

Liner notes for an imaginary record that I will make nd which will sell for millions.. To all those who thought I cudnt do it and to that voice in my head...I LOVE YOU >_<

Glorious..Indeed.

2008-08-26T04:47:00.000-07:00

Damn this blog's been behind the scenes for about 3 weeks now..k don't ask what behind the scenes has do with a price of fish..haha..but still we move on in life regardless of d insanity that momentarily grips us.(yea rite..NOTE :I'm speakin 4 myself here)wow..its been so long..i spent the last 1 and a half weeks on d bed..wid a bucket nxt to it to keep barfing into d damn thing every half hour or so...ding ding ding..Ur rite!!!I was sick woohooo(k i gotta cut out d craziness)..its funny rather more ironic than anything else actually...d one place i used to detest for their weird sterile phenyl smelling corridors had become a fun trip i took to enjoying everyday..here the term "fun" used wid my most scrunched up,constipated lookin,im-abt-to-puke face..yea id been going to this stupid loony bin regularly for 10 days like it was my pop in-law's house.d doctor is a piece of shit who doesn't know his asshole from his face..and thats putting it lightly..d friggin SOB put me on drips again even after i wasted 15 min of my breath complaining that i dint want to be admitted into dat abyss..yuck!screw him..MBBS my ass...must have got a fake degree...Thats India for u..ya u can tell i aint too patriotic..love d country..don't get me started about the people.. Anyway d main subject of today's writing is August 16th(Saturday)...woah wat a day!tiring gruelling but surprisingly wonderful.It was the day of the concert,the "Glorious" concert..our school took part..only to screw up(fine I'll give them a lil credit- they did ok but u should have seen d other skols nd colleges..phenomenal doesn't seem to describe it quite)...nd not to mention- d day i sang my guts out..only to get a severe throat infection nd get miserably sick.I spent the previous two weeks training,finding songs and teaching almost single handedly 48 children to sing!!!dat being bad enough..half cudnt sing to save their lives...a quarter of them pre-occupied trying to converse wid me in Korean(my skol's d queerest of it kind mind u)..darn Jin..had he not had such gr8 hair i wud have karated d guy to his grave(wat a pest!)..along wid d 10 or so other Korean buffoons.(xpt John nd Kim ofcourse..yea Jin nd Kim r brothers..nd yes Kim is a guy..a really cute guy..so is John *sigh* ..*blush*;) )...nd the remainin half hu cud manage to get a few notes here and there right had egos d size of the universe...nd still id love to teach music..again...Getting these kids to sing together..yelling....standing on table nd screaming..did i mention yelling was d least easiest job in the world..but then again they're my choir(u hate choir music ...jump off a cliff!!!we sing rock too..mayb we'd do metal some day...choirs even rap..so if u had dis picture in ur head of choirs consisting of old granmas nd weird old men singing really high notes that can break glass...think again!).....these kids meant so much to me...i feel like a somewhat parent now..i actually got Koreans to sing in english(now that's an accomplishment). To be continued l8r..have loads of studying to do..gtg now..darn d ISC system..wished there was a way to beat d damn system nd still nail d exams..wishful thinkking it will remain..lol.tc care till den ciao. The worst part of the day-after all d encouragement i gave them..they sang worse than nails on a black board during the sound check.

Faith,Hope..and Love

2008-08-12T05:49:00.000-07:00

Dats all I needed..a somewat fuel that got me goin.I left everything behind..old dreams...old ways(ok mayb not all of them)..i pushed away evrything that meant anything to me..d hardest of them all were my friends.i was hurt,too hurt to share it with anyone...the pain needed time to subside,to heal.It hasnt..not yet.But I know it will be...all i have to do is keep to myself...close myself from the rest of the world..i kno it sounds cowardly..but trust me it takes all d strength u got to shun d rest of humanity,to keep ur heart even more solid than rock!!prevents you from hurting others AND from u gettin hurt.Im going still...walkin a path i kno not...a path whether gud r bad is a helluva hitch.hopefully i'll make it..pull myself thru.

Rite now u mite be wonderin how ironical d title of this blog is...But take a sec...think about it..it takes all dese 3 things-faith,hope and love to do somethin i have..to protect the people u love from pain,to have faith that it'll be for the best...and to hope u dont have to live the rest of your life in regret.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

2008-06-08T03:51:00.000-07:00

Yaaron dosti bahi hi haseen hai
Yeh na ho to kya phir
Bolo yeh zindgi hai
Koi to ho raajdaan
Be garaj tera ho yaar
Koi to ho raajdaan

Yaaron mohabbat hi to bandgi hai
Yeh na ho to kya phir bolo yeh zindgi hai
Koi to dilbar ho yaar
Jisko tujhse ho pyaar
Koi to dilbar ho yaar

Teri har ke buraai pedaante vo dost
Gam ki ho dhoop tosaaya bane tera vo dost
Naache bhi vo Teri khushi main

Yaaron dosti badi hi haseen hai
Yeh na ho to kya phirBolo yeh zindgi hai
Koi to ho raajdaanBe garaj tera ho yaar
Koi to ho raajdaan

Tan mann kar tum pe fida
Mahboob vo
Palkon pe jo rakhe tujhe
Mahboob vo
Jiski vafa tere liye ho
Are Yaaron dosti bahi hi haseen hai
Yeh na ho to kya phir
Bolo yeh zindgi hai
Koi to dilbar ho yaar
Jisko tujhse ho pyaar
Koi to dilbar ho yaar
..............Just 2 remind u wat a friend really is...

Femme Fatale...

2008-06-05T23:57:00.000-07:00

Im done!!!Seriously HAD IT!!!!Ive hit rock bottom(wherever in heavens name dat is..i have no idea)...Mindfuked...TOTALLYYY!!!!!Fuck fuck fuck....fuk d world...fuck myslf...fuck evr1..and deir fucked up opinions...Y cant dey friggin let me rot nd die...its not lik ny1 gives a fuck whthr im alive r not...smthin Tanya said last nite just hit me...I have NO ONE!!!its d truth...d most honest thing ive evr said...YES im a bitch!!!U care??...a whore..a cunt..nything if u plz!!!ny thing u can call a gurl...if u do have ny more adjectives..be my guest nd add to d list...!!!!Apparently my misery is seemingly blatent enof fr evn ppl hu i dnt even kno to tell me i have a scrwd up self-image nd no self-esteem watsoever.WTF????

I'm hopin lik fkin hell dat ny body who is literate is reading dis...i dnt want to die nymore...i NEED to...sleeping pills rnt doin d trick..i dnt have d guts 2 stab myslf....too bloody nd gory...nw dat d Aarushi's case is in d limelite..dnt want mum to get into ny trouble...evn aftr im dead..i dnt wanna burden her...nd make her life hell.

Reminds me of smthin a writer said...a role model of some sort i guess..Dorothy Parker.Surprising hw a woman hu struggled thruought adulthood wid drugs nd depression cud write lik magic....

"Razors pain u

Rivers are damp

Acids stain u

And drugs cause cramp

Guns aren't lawful

Nooses give

Gas smells awful

You might as well live"

Wat beauty lines...

"If u wanna kno wat god thinks of money..luk at the people he gave it to"

"That woman speaks 18 languages!!!and cant say NO in any of them"

"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly...it should be thrown with gr8 force"

"Women and elephants never forget"

...these are but a few of her inspirational words of widom...how cliche..fr such work of art!

The atrocities of being a female...ugh!boobs...high maintainence...big mouth..nd d worst of all dese fkin tear glands...they're as gud as an appendix...might as well not exist.lol.

"HURT" -Christina Aguilera

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face

You told me how proud you were,

but I walked away

If only I knew what I know today

Ooh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms

I would take the pain away

Thank you for all you've done

Forgive all your mistakes

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To hear your voice again

Sometimes I wanna call ya

But I know you won't be there

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you

For everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broken inside but I won't admit

Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss

And it's so hard to say goodbye

When it comes to this, oooh yeah

Would you tell me I was wrong?

Would you help me understand?

Are you looking down upon me?

Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To have just one more chance

To look into your eyes

And see you looking back

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you

For everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself, ohh

If I had just one more day

I would tell you how much that I've missed you

Since you've been away

Ooh, it's dangerous

It's so out of line

To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you

For everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Im sorry..sorry fr being d wretched creature that i am..sorry fr being a burden...sorry fr being not gud enough..sorry fr being born.

Here comes that felling again...random thoughts..im on fire here...words pouring in...my head awakening frm a long slumber....spitting out evry bit of watever i have in me out.

Constant nagging has led me..rather us over the edge,consequently rebounding us back into a world of seclusion,where all one can hear is echo of his own voice resonating throughout...without another soul to lend their ears..to listen to d mourning of life..nd death.Wat has d world come to?Pessimism u say this is???ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!Its plain reality that many of us just "choose" not to see and who'd rather pretend and fancy that every1 and evrything is perfect."Perfection" is but hypothetical..it has no real existence..never did(no mattr hw apparent it mite seem)!!Of all the "almost 18 yrs" of my life ive come across various diffrnt ppl,all dynamic.here the term "dynamic" indicating-"a force of history or of the mind that produces change".And believe me wen i say this...Ive seen most of them evlove into something i cannot do anything else but dislike.As a result,they inturn direct all the hatred their feeble hearts can hold towards me.The beauty of the whole thing is that i have no reason to blame them.For in my view I with all probability can say that i deserve evry ounce of it.

Hatred to me has become over the years more of a companion, a personified being than nythin else...not the kind of company i wud lik but..i have nothin else to show for a social life(as much as Tanya says my social life "rocks")Although every human i know of could hate me no less,I find myself NOT hating them back.For what uncanny reason...i do not know...nd mayb do not wish to know either.The more a person hates me..d more gud i see in them.The equation(if u may)..made out to be inversely proportional.Yet there is one person I hate..as in the true sense of the word..whole heartedly..and that being my own self-I me Myself.

I can by no means deny wat an inexorable,obnoxious,stubborn and highly arrogant bitch i am.There's a point in a persons life wen they are forced and persuaded to come to terms with themselves..nd certain facts in life.And so have I,a long time ago.Consequently I have gladly oblidged to the "reality" of myself.I am someone hu serves no "higher" purpose.And i cannot poosibly wonder as to why i was created in the first place.Why in heavens name was i even born?To bear wid the wrath of evryone around me for nathin at all??Talk aboutjustie being served!It isnt like i cant stand the whole world all at once.No!..there are those odd few things such as true friendship...and smthin i lik to call love..that keeps me going regardless of the millions of times ive failed in life.A smile frm a friend,a wink once in a while,a gud compliment here nd there.

Ah pressed d wrong key nd d rest of d blog i wrote got erased(unsaved data)...dnt have d patience 2 write agn...Angel's leavin fr Ranchi 2mrw mornin...went 2 see her 2day..poor thing's down wid jaundice...tsk..tsk.Tanya..seems all hostile now..J..hmmm...Rushi..sob..sniff..whine...Geet...i still miss u.im exhausted,absolutely fatigued!like i said "Im done"...i'll write agn wen my moods atlst a shade better!!!ciao.

U wanna taste of my wrath???

2008-06-04T05:30:00.000-07:00

Hehe...i sound lik Undertaker before a fight..or one of dose villains hu dies nd comes bak wid a vengence in dose 3rd grade hollywood flicks...hehe(Note:The Mummy)...kk..i'll tell u y dat line came outa me...guess wat???i decided to stand fr elections aftrall...i kno pretty pathetic..me nd responsibility...

Well i just decided outa d blue dat id stand.I had no inclination watsoeva until Mohit(salle *$#@@$#^*)..decided to stand...dat fkin chuth...ugh...d gall he has!!!hmm...since d prefects in our skol...r formed lik d Indian Government(u kno..President,Prime Minister,Speaker)...since i won Speaker last yr(won by fluke tho...dint even wanna stnd..stood against Harshit..prbbly one of d most intimidating ppl i kno..atlst in terms of size..lol)..thot mayb if i actlly "wanted"..i'd win

Nyway im standin fr Prime Minister...little does Uncle.Mohit kno dat its d PM dats d nominal head in dis country...so i get d "honour" of standin against his best friend..rather boyfriend(dey behave soooo GAY!!u have no idea!)..Sharan!!bloody dum fuck of a Sharan dsnt wanna stand against Mohit eithr for d fear of losin...nd den being humiliated(cz if no one rubs it in his fae..I WILL!!!)..or he wants Mohit to win wid all his heart...eeeww...wat kinda a name is Mohit nyway??Yo! Mo...HIT!!Hahaha....

So i lukd at dese 2 chuths...evry othr gal refused to stand...actually not evn anothr guy dared to stand(dose *&$%^ 's thot they had it all figured out..wid deir fkin game plan nd evrythin...)

Crap!it is kinda intimidating tho..there they r plannin nd plottin...conspiratin against me..nd here i am givin a fuck abt it...i doubt i wanna campaign even...Nyway Suntan nd J said they'd b my managers nd make sure i win(outa spite cz dey cnt stnd d 2 gandus eithr..neithr does ny1 else in d class...xpt 2 fucked up hics..hu r literally fucked..in evry sense of d word!)

I cant beleve hw pissd i am now...spent d whole day...drownin in depression.Made Angel cry last nite...dint mean to..i just lost it nd told her i was sorry fr interferin wid her nd Sriya nd all..nd told her dat it ws her life nd i ws no one to tell her wat to do...Madame broke into tears..i ws helpless...crap i felt lik shit d whole day..she dint come 2 skol...ws mopin at home...i hate myslf!im such a *$^$&$* bitch!!!bad enough im bawling my head off..now im makin othr ppl cry...

"his" frnd said he's comin bak 2day.."he"...promised he'd call...no hear...sniff...Ah i miss Paul(Priyanka)...mum's suggestin i go 2 Mumbai nxt yr..dad says Calcutta...I wanna get in Amity(Noida)..on scholarship i.e...me confused..VERY!!

Pissed mainly because "death" seems to b takin evry one xpt me..its lik d fkin guy cant stand my guts nd wants me to rot in(on) Earth(as opposed to hell)...me feelin dizzy...hvnt eaten since day before yesterday's lunch...had a fw bites of Tanya's brown bread fr lunch aftr 1 nd a half days!!cudnt help it...ws hungry..nd me stomach ws lettin me know..by givin me immense pain...i wonder hw d fk dose model chics do it...hmmm..i cnt get pills(diet pills)..dunnio whr u get dose..id do nythin now to stop eatin itslf...currently crunchin on dried granola bar...id rather b eatin hay...its dry nd eew..also drinkin nice hot cup of cha..i made...mum's mad at me fr d coffee binging....said chai ws slightly healthier..its k...but nothin beats beautiful black sufar free coffee to keep u goin.

Sigh...sigh...sigh..im tired..i've had it..wid evrythin...ws just tellin Angel nd Tanya too...those thots abt death..nd it whisperin in my ear("die u fkin bitch..u deserve to)....hadnt come fr a long time now...ws strtin to miss it..well no more..now its tauntin me...even if i die...no one wud care..no one wud kno.."he" wudnt care.."he" wudnt kno....Took medical xamination last week...ws waitin fr d reports..ah! d usual...anemia...low BP...but how i ws wishin dey said i had cancer r a tumor r smthin..hw i wish dey said dat i ws gonna die..hw i wish dey said dat i wudnt survive!!!How i wish....*tear drops down*...gtg..im sorry angel...i kno i promised..but i cudnt help it..i have to do wat im abt to...i need to d pain's too much..i need anothr kinda pain to make me 4gt...im sorry..one last time..i swr i'll stop...i swr...

PS-pic of those 2 dum fucks(highlighted in red)..."bakhras 2008...nd for all d years to come-Mohit nd Sharan)

Falling frm grace..wat?? more like falling APART!!

2008-06-02T05:04:00.000-07:00

FUCKED!dats how i describe my day...d only thing preventing me frm physically hurtin myslf now(no mattr hw bad i want to)..is Suntan nd Angel...boohoo...Geet came 2 skol 2 take his TC..kinda ignored me...dint but tried to...cud barely talk..his "papa"..ws there...arrghhh...facebook..jus told me im emo..nd dat i need to die...its funny how right a stupid social network test can be...also apparently dim-wit me got a 119 IQ...nd i dint even answr d last 5 qstns..hmmm..dats probably wrong..i thot i was a 0.001..r smthin...damn sad innit..wat a waste of talent..hehe...i miss "him"..he probably barely remembers me...im so sunk in apathy rite now...sigh...facebook also says im a crazy,unconditional lover..with my eyes closed nd heart open...aw..i wish i was...hmmm...
Oh before i forget..i must mention...Suju actually stooped..i mean she actually apologised... i mean a teachr..especially Suju??i mean this is BIG!! its HUGE!!!she said that she dint mean to yell at me last Friday nd dat i shudnt take nythin bad she says to d heart...woah..u wudnt beleve my shocked darn face...yea last Friday she yelled nd me...i was bored so i kept messin wid my hair..apparently it annoyed her nd she yelled...told me to shave my head..ok not literally but close to dat..seing hw pissd i already ws i snapped..askd her wat her problem ws nd to mind her own business(NOTE:im a very gud student...never talk bak..if i do..i have gud reason..nd vvvv rarely)..Suju ws shockd..told me my mind wsnt in d class(xcuse me!!!i ws probably d only 1 lisatenin to her yap)...nyway so wen she apologised i felt all guilty nd said sorry bak...oh nd den she tells me dat she's noticed dat ive been pretty "troubled" fr d past 2 weeks..nd says i'll pull thru it..i mean damn!she shud b some kinda councellor..seriously...
ah i miss Priyanka Paul..i miss Geet..i miss MY dad...I miss "him"(most of all)...i want a life..a normal one..hw i envy any1 hu says their life's normal..sniff...

For All Its Worth...

2008-05-31T08:25:00.000-07:00

Grrr..hehe...boy!sulking is a tiresome job...lol...so i ws kinda fed up..so decided to blog 2 days in a row(considerin hw im not to have any time to spare this yr.HA!!!)!!hehe..abt wat u say??i have no idea!im writin dis nd watchin Bones...i like d show..wats d big?its probably d most intellectual thing on tv now(im not too inclined to watching programs involving breeding patters of spider monkeys..r anything of d kind..atlst not now)..hehe...hmm so here i am tryin to be some wat excited(lik i had heroin..r smthin)...feels lik im stuck in some kinda abyss...fuck! d world's screwed up..nd its takin evry1 down wid it...Seemingly frm d news..the world's hands seems to be reeking of blood and gore...murder..rape...suicide...(note:Aarushi..also d Maria Monica Susairaj case..besides d hooch in Blore)..damn...D Maria thing just makes me sick.U wanna kno wat hpnd..see my jist of it below...(PS-d ursin is purely my input..lol)

Maria small time actress in Mumbai..Mysore gurl...skol records say she was wat u may call a-DUD...nyway that morning...called her friend Neeraj Grover 2 her house..Neeraj in luv wid maria...maria alrdy has boyfriend...calls neeraj ovr 2 talk..fr some reason d nxt moment neeraj strips in her house...dey wer.."ahem"...suddenly her boyfriend enters..boyfriend's name-Emile Jerome Matthew..fumes on seeing neeraj...fight breaks out..typical male idiots...typical snooty bitch stands by and watches...Matthew kills neeraj...both boyfrnd..girlfrnd confused..scared...Matthew sends maria out to get some big bags to put body in..said if she dint come bak in an hr he'd kill himslf...bitch said she still luvd d gandu..so she did come bak 2 d aptmnt wid d bags...Matthew buys knife in maria's name...both use d knife nd cut neeraj in abt 300 pieces(fuck!d bombay police had d friggin patience to count dat many..but tuk 5 days to find d killer..wah!)...den both make out..and..do it "ahem" thrice!!!rite nxt to d dead body...i mean-eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!nd i thot i ws demented!seriously!Its so sick probably sicker than a necrophiliac...ugh shuddering here..eerie fuckin stuff man!!!den dey dispose off d body..only fr evidence to be left fr d cops..hw brilliant..!!lol....u see...wat i mean???

Im tryin my best to stay sober...my head feels lik a huge lesion left open fr maggots to feed on...d stink of d world getin to my head..nauseating..bound by moral prerogatives...qstns arising out of thin air..all i can do is answer in noncommital grunts..even if i did have d answers...to think id be doling them out???...my precocious brain an abject slave to my past..nd my future(watever dat is...nd IF i have one)..tears rollin down my face just thinkin of people i luv nd how im jus drifting further away frm a world i once knew...a world i once luvd..but now happen to detest....By d way...im not sure y ive changed vocab to suite myslf rather dan d ppl hu generally read this blog..hu have a very restricted diction btw...lol...however..this is proving to be quite therapeutic...me whispering and cursing myself fr no gud reason..also fr evry damn reason under d sun...im actually saying my thoughts out loud..as if some kind of incantation...clarity of those thoughts however is still questionable..almost impotent..useless..in simple terms...

Mum read my horoscope in d morning(my belief:horoscopes lik weathr report can mean anything..vague)..nyway it said i was goin to b extremely happy thru d weekend...woah!u dont see me shouting a paean now do u???happiness seems so unreachable as of now.I miss priyanka..paul..that is...not myself..im not dat self-righteous...female's havin a blast in SRCC...daym!!!anyway facebook tells me she misses me too...its funny we were never really that close in skol...nd now dat she's gone i miss her...probably even more than Geet(idiot!).Ah Priyanka...undoubtedly d most docile,innocent,sweetest thing i kno(trust me i dont kno many of those)..she'd evn hesitate to swat a darn fly..lol..lol...Oh so i decided to be a lil kinky nd horse around so wen i joind facebook added my relationship status as complicated(which it is..only wid sm1 else)..nd den entered her name...den dis mornin a sri lankan guy asks me if lesbian(oh hw i wish)...nyway i shattered ny possible dream he had..by sayin no..u wudnt bleve d no of guys hu think lesbians are a turn on...sheesh!anothr reason fr NOT being a homo..is dat any woman(normal ones i mean)...are'nt gonna have anything i dont..i mean-BORING!!!hehe...i jus wish men(in general...pardon me if ur a geuinely nice guy..but d problem is most chuths think they r d most deent ppl d planets seen..u kno with all the "holier than thou" crap)..wud be less obnoxious...i dnt even mind d odd few pervs..but its d chauvinism dat get to me...

Yea so i read d guy's msg..nd its surprisin hw almst 90% of d world perceive love nd relationships d same way...its quite single dimensional thinkin...i must admit..its pathetic!!!the phrase "widen ur horizon" has lost all meaning...u cnt define love...u cant classify it under anythin..its a whole world on its own...u cud love any1 nd anythin...from ur mum,ur boyfrnd/girlfrnd..to ur dog..to even chocolate!!god dammit!!!tsk tsk..sad state of affairs indeed...im speakin 2 angel...poor woman's going nuts...all thanx to me nevadless...lol..lol...i read her yestrday's blog..nd d female went all hysterical...scared me a lil...hehe...Bones over!..now multi-taskin..eating roti wid right hand..typin wid left...tryin to swallow...plate almst fallin off my lap...watchin Phineas And Ferb(note:cartoon on Disney channel...hehe...)...wat!!i lik cartoons...d more childish d better..which is d least i cud say abt "South Park" tho...its so fkin hard actin out d episodes i sharades i swear...u wudnt beleve d names each episode has..nd me acting out fr a bunch of pee-brain gurls to undrstand..some examples if u plz are-"south park-uncle fucker".."south park-Le Petit Tourette".."SP-The Mystery Of the urinal deuce"..."SP-Kyle's suck cartman's D#*$-the trilogy",....nd its nerdy gurls we're dealin wid here...u wudnt beleve d no brain guesses...hahahahahaha....it cracks me up evrytime!..skol's not so bad wen d teachers arent there...suju's hauntin me in my sleep as well...she's EVRYWHR!!!last nite..i dreamt she came in a white sari(typical bollywood horror flick)..and was screamin lik some banshee tellin me to finish commerce homewrk...dont laf..it wsnt funny..it was terrifying!!!

In case u dint realise ive changed d topic 9 times in dis blog alrdy..this line being d 10th...lol.

Ah..time to go..splitting headache setting in...ciao...ahhhh

There's never a dirth fr misery wen ur around me...

2008-05-31T01:51:00.000-07:00

AAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhh...omg..hw much shit cn go wrong in one week???jeez..im so friggin drained...im had it..im on d verge of saying dat i neva wanna go 2 skol...evrything seems so wrong!!!...nd anything thats screwd..well im d inevitable cause of it..apparently.All im seemingly doin is driftin into some kinda oblivious world i dnt even wanna go to.Poor Angel...talks to me evry nite to make sure i feel better...but then stupid me has to end up crying..den i disconnect nd fall asleep..hehe..poor gurl waits fr hrs aftr thinkin im gonna call bak...seriously!!evrytime i cry i fall asleep almost immediately..evn widout my knowin..funny huh?i was wonderin...mayb tear glands secrete sumthin othr dan salt water which induses sleep..hmmm

Ive been so fkin lethargic(here d word "lethargic" being a majr undrstatemnt)...get up feeling doped...exhausted..just plain frail.Paranoia's grippin me more than ever!!im rippin my hair off in in frustration...

Basically it comes down to this-Me paranoid..me crazy..me so confused...me cryin/pissd...angel yellin and comfortin me alternatively..angel also confused...chanchal left..evry1 in sad state..Ridhi's happy she left...me doomed fr boards..i dnt think ny tchr wud b better dan her now to teach accountancy....tanya umm i dunno...tanya hates suju..me cnt stnd suju..angel HATES suju...all in all no one liks suju...me got new hair do nd cut hair last week...no one evn notices..me disappointed...Himanshu's stayin in same skol...me happy abt only that...Prici gives bad task fr us...to paint nd decorate d 2 notice boards in d class...me wasting studyin time doing art work fr skol...evry1 else in class throwin paint on each other while i slog to paint 2 boards...me yellin at class...science sectn copies idea..me mega-pissd...me do d same idea...now science section mega pissed...makes excuses fr stealin our idea..lol...sriya bunkin skol...shreya kinda pissd at me..shreya kinda missin Maggot boy...skol hires new tchr just fr HOCKEY...d guy seems very nice..also seperate tchr fr martial arts..me pissd at y skol decides to improve d year im leavin..." cnt do nythin else but sulk..highest ISC score in commrce 78 in skol..very demeaning..me dicouraged...Teju's hair is a disaster now...Ridhi's luv life's going down d drain...mine's probably GONE...Shashanth dancing lik weirdo..its not bad fr once..shashanth tuk dance lessons in hols..one person hu did smthin constructive!!!...Anshul..jus dumb..anshul mad at Ridhi..Ridhi mad at Anshul..Angel is playin "chumchi" between d 2..lol...angel lafs..i laf...ridhi lafs..tanya lafs...we all laf...but wat r we lafing abt in d first place???

U see..dats y im confused..nd dats not evn half of it...im a wreck... currently swearin my head off...as of now..i dnt think it cud get ny worse...mayb i said it too soon..ARRGGHH..."death..death where art thou...i pray thee to come and take me away frm my misery forever...."...wishful thinkin huh?

“Tears In Heaven” -Eric Clapton
Would you know my name

if I saw you in heaven?Would it be the same

if I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong and carry on

'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven...

Would you hold my hand

if I saw you in heaven?

Would you help me stand

if I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way through night and day

'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven...

Time can bring you down,

time can bend your knees

Time can break your heart,

have you begging please...begging please

Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure

And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven...

Would you know my name

if I saw you in heaven?

Would it be the sameif I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong and carry on

'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven..."

Now thats somethin i wud labell-"a thing of beauty is a joy forever"...

Listening to "Hurt"..by Christina Aguilera...video reminds me of dad...aaww.sniff....wen will this come to an end...hw much more...

Check d pic..tuk it last nite aftr sm stupid party..traffic..in Blore...at 1:00am...!!!proposterous!hehe...i kinda likd d pic tho..tuk it by fluke...lol

Aarushi's case:Noida

2008-05-24T01:34:00.001-07:00

I pick up today's Times Of India and the headlines read-"DAD KILLED AARUSHI:COPS-Wanted to silence a daughter who resented hi extra maritial affair"...i mean wtf???SERIOUSLY!!!i'd been watchin the news on NDTV for 2 days now..trying to make sense of it..i still havent succeeded...i dnt think i will ever understand human pychology...wtf..is this world coming too...u kill ur own kid jus cause she dint "approve" of ur affair...honestly..if dat chuth was in front of my face now i'd have told him to screw himslf...the bastard!!!uugghh...who d hell has a right to take the life of someone else...that too your own daughter..ur only 14 yr old child...damn...hasnt anyone heard of the phrase-"U cannot kill what u did not create"..nd dnt gimme that biological shit!For godsake...wats d point..he thot he'd escape???..did he get rid of his friggin guilt???...gimme a break!!!i've never really cursed any1 but i hope he rots in hell...he hammered her head and slit her throat...that was aftr he killd d manservant....d same thing...hammered head..slit throat...these are the things that make me hate the world...more so hate men...im speechless..not bcause i have nothin to say..but because i have too much...when will this shit stop...wat ever happened to happiness...???gory fkin shit.its not only the anger thans running now..its d pain..d pain of having all these things happening..nd how helpless i feel...im sorry..i really am.

Another case....girl dint die however but suffered a far more worse situation.....last month it ws a poor girl in Venice...kidnapped by her own dad wen she was 18...she was then forced to live in some dimly lit place in the basement of their aptmnts...the dad claimed she joined a cult..and ran away frm home...abt 10 yrs later he bring 3 kids home saying d daughter abandoned them..d 18 yr old kid then got sick...ws on his death bed..thats wen tests were done...and DNA showd up...cops found the girl..the girl ws 48!!!her father raped her and had 6 kids with her!!!6!!!..the othr 3 kids were living with the woman in d basement...wat a fukd up world we live in...hw does ANYONE get any satisfaction by pychotically acting out frm frustration..eew...im jus so pissed off now....my sympathies for evry girl out there who's gone thru similar experiences...i wish i could do anything to make sure those women dint die...but i promise one day i will...i will do my part to help...i swear i will by God and evrything that means anything to me...R.I.P

Random thoughts...wat is this world coming to???

2008-05-20T01:46:00.000-07:00

I am the quintessential cynical crank...alliteration yea??The truth besides.Any of that mean nythin 2 u??No??Well den its time u pikd up somethin...its called a friggin DICTIONARY!!!If ingnorance is bliss...den tell me..y are'nt more ppl happy???...lol...
The Putridness of the whole damn thing and the bastardisation of the world has given rise to a sense of utter detestment in the inner most depths of my heart.Seemingly the general mass of ppl has taken to coersive measures to make evry1 else's life a living hell..whilst they themselves prance in the lap of luxury.Whatever happened to such things as liberty...democracy...independence...and wat one may say in "simple words",FREEDOM???